And So It Goes...

He said, if a woman felt shy he would hold her hand and make her feel safe. He said, that is the guys job. He said that...I've never felt safe with a man a day in my life...and I'm looking at single & 64. 

If only. If only.

~~~~~~~~~~~

She never had a good track record with men even in her early years. Always running to instead of being chased after. And then her 19th year she gave away her virginity to a man who didn't give a damn about her or her gift. 

At least now she was a 'woman.'

Then she met her 1st real love who abandoned her later for someone else less complicated, ultimately marrying her then best friend.

And so it goes.

She ran off to LA during her 20th year thinking she had found her calling as a screenwriter's assistant - she called her mother excited, proudly telling her about this opportunity (her father was not thrilled). Only to be tossed aside again by this man's indifference.

Many unhappy experiences later, she finally recognized LA for what it was - a worst way to disappear than NYC. But she was still unwilling to call her father and admit defeat. 

One more shot, just one more shot.

And so, on the evening of her 21st Birthday, she was rudely taken in a van by 4 Black  soldiers on leave, and gang raped with a gun to her head. Abandoned again after they were done, she recognized her strength during the ordeal. Consciously separating her mind from her body she held onto this one thing...

She was alive.

She was alive despite her experience. She was alive & managed to keep others alive during her ordeal, like the white police officer, the motorcycle cop who pulled the van over because of a broken taillight. As they pulled off the road, the main crazy put the gun to the back of her head and strongly suggested that he would kill her & kill the cop if she tried to get his help in any way. 

Get rid of him - fast.

So she pulled on every gracious, charming bit of behavior & conversation she could manage to avoid a ticket-just a warning-and off he went, still alive & so was she.

She was alive. 

Grateful that her friend had innocently gotten out of the van to go get her boyfriend & bring him back before the crazies took off with her. The lead crazy casually mentioned he would have killed her if she had stayed in the van since she was white. Her friend, though Black but exceedingly fair, fair enough to pass for white but didn't, was alive. Her friend was alive.

And so was she & to keep it that way, she knew she had to stay calm. That's when her mind took over & separated from her body. She was a casual observer standing off to the side while her body was abused. She wasn't hurt. The crazies really did nothing to her. They took nothing from her true self. Years later during her many therapy sessions she realized that's what kept her alive. They never got her Soul. Ever. That separation kept her above it all even after the gang rape when she was raped again & again during her 21st year, for a total of 7 times.

She's alive but is she really living? Have those rapists won? 

Single, in her 60's, no real romantic relationships, many fantasies, nothing real. She sputters along with her life. Lonely, she keeps to herself, always mistrustful of men, letting people get only so close, within limits. 

Have the rapists won? Right now it seems like they have & that makes her despondent & angry, very angry. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

He said, if a woman felt shy he would hold her hand and make her feel safe. He said, that is the guys job. He said that...I've never felt safe with a man a day in my life...and I'm looking at single & 64. 

If only. If only.

If only she could be with him. Would he make her feel safe, safe enough to be herself, relax into herself?

Where is he?

We'll see...we'll see...